” I thought it was gone, thought it left me, but all this time it was being sneaky, holding on, clinging to wherever it could. But now my eyes are open and I can see what it’s been doing to me. I see through it’s disguise  and its mask, its so cheap can’t believe I fell for that, your leaving me . You and all the lies and tales you sowed in my mind. Face it, its time for you to go; you were never welcome to begin with. But my flesh was foolish in all its stubbornness, never wanted anyone to know, never wanted to tell not even the one who knows me the most. Maybe it was the shame, maybe it was having to remembering, to retell all those memories. Then there was lie, what a fool I’ve been in aiding my enemy telling myself I let go, but that is indeed not so. Here it is with me, but here it shall not stay; my eyes are open. You will leave! My God will take you away from me. He’ll cleanse my mind and continue to purify my heart and he’ll clean up the mess I am and the turmoil inside.”

The Voice of the Lord is, as sweet, and gentle, as a lullaby, as mighty, and powerful as the roar of a lion. It’s a voice that cannot be ignored it calls to you, the real you; not your mask or armor you use as walls to hide your heart. No the real you including all the ugly parts, the weak parts; the things you’re ashamed of. The you that is perhaps pathetic and weak, the you that must never be seen. And as he views all your weakness’s and insecurities you have this desire to hide them but you can’t for he is the light. You try to hide your face ashamed, but he gently lifts it up, and says my child, and your heart began to burst. He tells you how much he loves you, and about all the love letters for you; he recites them. You cry and wail  your heart breaks and pounds, as he tells you: how much he loves you, how he saved you, and all the things he done for you. You listen, crying, wailing, nose running you began to understand he truly loves you. He wants you, and he loves you in a way you never known before. He goes on to tell you, how he sees the things in your heart, that frighten you and all the things he wants to heal from. As scared as you are that all of this is too good to be true; you take his outstretched hands, he embraces you, and silent tears run down your face, your voice to hoarse to even speak. He holds you gently in a way you know he won’t let go, and he tells you over, and over again ” I love you,” ” I love you,” ” I love you,” and you know in your heart his words ring true. You find peace in his arms, and you hold on tight to his hand feeling that you’ll never let go, and he smiles as he hears your thoughts, and thinks there will be times you won’t feel this way, but even if you let go he won’t.

I read something on tumblr like last year, it was like how after you have been through depression, whenever your feeling really sad you think you might be again. I’ve been feeling like that. My emotions and feelings are in a whirlwind of confusion. I feel trapped, abandon and useless. I’m scared, frighten that I am, maybe depressed. I was once there and I fought in that place, and only by God did I get out. I don’t want to go through that again. I feel as if I’m holding on to something way up high for dear life; and if I let go I’ll be lost in whirlwind of emotion.

Talked with my mom about how I was feeling. whenever I talk to her I always feel better. I really love my mom.

I cried and still feel like crying but my family just got home and with everything going on. I can’t cry, not right now it would make things worse. Its really hard not to cry. I am seriously waiting to see when I’m going to have a good day, seems like lately they been all bad ones. (But like I said I’m very emotional right now)